THE DIABOLICALLY ASTUTE
BETELGEUSE CORPORATION
Proudly PRESENTs to you…
AGA-BOO!
AGA-BOO!
AGA-BOO!
AGA-BOO!
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR CEO, LENNON BETELGEUSE:
“They say a good magician never reveals their tricks but there’s something satisfying about putting a pin in the balloon of wonder. This is a portrait of my friend who lives in the fridge. What a noisy bugger They are, wailing and moaning throughout the night, but I don’t mind. They’ve been around for a while and They know a few tricks. Buried in the nocturnal screams are hints, tips and succulent, little titbits on how to live my best CEO life. I don’t know Their real name, Crude Walkers, Issunaz, Big G, Legion, does it matter? I commissioned this one myself, it’s 10” * 7”, watercolour and chalk on acrylic paper. The vassal didn’t want to do it, but a few dark-dream-visits from my refrigerated friend helped burn Their face deep into its mind to the point where it had no option other than to try and extricate the visage in the only way it knows.”
HOW DID I, LENNON BETELGEUSE, CEO, MEET CRUDE WALKERS?
“Thankme for asking, and wowzers what a tale it is. I was a young Betel, travelling in the USA, seeking adventure, fame and fortune. Trundling happily through the desert I found a patch of tarry rocks split by a fissure that led down, deep into the subsurface. Being a brave and bold Betel I squeezed through the gap and was creeping downwards through the greasy crevice when I heard Crude Walkers calling out to me. They told me I could have whatever I wanted as long as I always made Them welcome in my home. It was a no-brainer. Now They live in my fridge.”
HOW MUCH WOULD I, LENNON BETELGEUSE, OILY WALKER ART GALLERY, SO OIL COME OVER, VALERIE, SELL THIS PAINTING FOR?
“Alas! Alas! The vassal, stricken by its dreams of my friend from the fridge, claims the portrait holds a dark power. The idiot has been watching too many Billy Crystal films and through such has eaten into my great Corporation’s profits. I lament. Regardless, the picture is gone, sent by the vassal to one Father Karras to be exorcised of its purported blasphemy. The good priest can try, ho-ho, yes, he can try, but methinks I won’t need ants to recover this one. Crude Walkers always ambulates back to where They need to be, and in keeping with my own nefarious tendencies They care not a whit for the humans who might try and stand in Their way. This will be fun to watch.”
THE ORIGINAL IS BEING COMPELLED BY THE POWER OF CHRIST BUT PRINTS ARE AVAILABLE IN THE SHOP.
Now tell us what and why, vassal?
“This is your loser mate, and you commissioned Their portrait.”
Did you enjoy the dreams you had of Them?
“No, they were awful.”
He-he. How many times did They come to you before you finally got up off your pea-sized behind and did some painting?
“Pea-sized? Coming from a beetle? Anyway, it was twice, no, three, no wait, four times. I’m not sure. Four times before I did this one, and once after. Do They drive a Cadillac?”
Maybe they do, vassal, maybe they do.
“Also, should we not be charging Them rent if they live in the fridge?”
You dare insult Crude Walkers by threatening them with rent? Why would I charge Them for bestowing greatness upon me, you penny-grubbing peasant?
“They’re making the milk go sour.”
You dare to say such things?! You dare?! Your fermenting milk will be the least of your concerns when I’m done with you!
“Yeah, go grass me up to your greasy fridge friend then.”
