THE MINDS MOVING THE MATTERS AT
BETELGEUSE CORPORATION
Proudly PRESENT to you…
CALL ME, THESEUS
CALL ME, THESEUS
CALL ME, THESEUS
CALL ME, THESEUS
And now a word from our CEO, Lennon BeTELGEUSE:
“Well, it’s another bovine, though I must say it’s a relief to not be assailed by beefy reproductive organs this time. In fact this one is markedly neutral, or is that a hint of a - nevermind - and maybe a pair of - no, let us scuttle onwards. What a sad looking beast. Quite the departure from the previous few isn’t it. It’s pencil on paper, watercolour paper, and it’s A5, so maybe not that big a deviation. I did ask the vassal about the lack of continuity. Vassal, I said, shaking my head and slapping it aggressively with my pretarsus, you’ve made people think you are a professional watercolourist and then you go and dash their expectations into a barrel full of starving, slithering millipedes. As your CEO, Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO of Betelgeuse Corporation, I demand to know why! It didn’t respond merely turned away and hung its head in shame like the creature above. Another victory for me!”
WhAT WOULD I, Lennon BeTELGEUSE, CEO, DO TO CHEER THIS BUFFALO-PERSON UP?
“Thankme for asking. Obviously the first thing I would do would be to put it to work, possibly pulling a plough through hard, stony ground, or if, as I suspect, the beast is female, I could forcibly impregnate it and then clamp extraction tubes to its calcium ducts and harvest the secretions that, in a less business orientated and, of course, far worse world, would have been wasted on its offspring. If that didn’t put a smile on its face then I’d have to turn it into burgers.”
How much WOUld I, Lennon Betelgeuse, GUGGENHEIM JUGGERNAUT AND MINT OF A NATION, sell this painting for?
“Alas! Alas! The vassal has constructed a labyrinth and placed the drawing under the guard of a dread creature with the head of a cow, the legs of an ox and the body of a bull! Ho-ho, the vassal’s hubris shall be its downfall, no one on Earth gets to play at being God other than I, Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO of the Future. I shall create a monstrosity to make the vassal’s own one pale in terror. My Beast shall have a human head as a body, a cow’s head as a head, cow’s udders for arms and hands, and human hands on the end of bull pizzles for legs!”
THE ORIGINAL IS GUARDED BY The VASSAL’s MONSTROSITY BUT PRINTS OF DIFFERENT SIZES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE SHOP.
Now tell us what and why, vassal?
“It’s a minotaur, this is the second one in the Year of the Ox series. I was a bit bored of doing watercolours, so I bust the old Faber-Castells out.”
Nyesss, “bust them out”, did you? I haven’t seen any subsequent ones in this “series”, pray tell, where are they?
“I haven’t done them yet.”
You lazy piece of garbage! Do you realise the Year of the Ox is long passed now? This lack of punctuality is but one of many sad kryptonites to human development. We Betels have managed to traverse the stars and you pathetic apes can’t even get back to your moon. You lack strong leadership.
“I was working on other things. I know what they’re going to be. Also, I think we’ve got more pressing issues on Earth that we need to take a look at before we go trying to explore space too much, space-craft are expensive. I agree with your leadership comment though.”
All your so-called Earth-bound issues are the products of your weak nature. Why is this one called Call me, Theseus?
“Because the Minotaur is waiting for Theseus to call it.”
Why?
“It wanted to invite him round so it could smash his head against a wall and then eat him.”
