THE FORMER KINGS OF IRON FIST AT
BETELGEUSE CORPORATION
Proudly PRESENT to you…
EIGHTY!
EIGHTY!
EIGHTY!
EIGHTY!
And now a word from our CEO, Lennon BeTELGEUSE:
“Who was it that said, Insects don’t have politics? I can’t recall exactly, but whoever they were, and whatever they were, they speak the truth. Insects, that is, your primitive Earth insects, do not have politics or politicians, and they resolve disputes over resources, territory and mating through brutality, with - to continue the quote - no compassion, no compromise. Evolutionarily convergent extraterrestrial entomorphs, such as myself, are however far more advanced than this and do have a need for politics, inasmuch as it serves our feudal self-interests. There are times though, great times of reaping and harvest, when the soft words just don’t suffice and the politicians, and their politics, entrust the hard-words to their warriors, to carry them forward to the field. The vassal tells me the subject of this painting is a Great Warrior of Greater Manchester and the North West with a chest deeper than Nemo’s Nautilus at the bathymetric depths of its journey, and a punch equivalent to having a fully grown African elephant standing on each square inch of contact. A mighty and laudable warrior indeed, and a human even I, Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO and politician, would commend. The painting is A3, acrylic, and looks like it has a lovely, satisfying texture to it.”
WhAT WOULD I, Lennon BeTELGEUSE, CEO, DO IN THE EVENT OF BEING STRUCK WITH CHRIS BOUGHEY’S 80GPa PUNCH?
“Dodge it acrobatically, and affix him with a withering stare, before raising my pretarsus and then doing that bring it hand motion from the Matrix. An epic battle would ensue but I would rise as victor.”
How much WOUld I, Lennon Betelgeuse, DOJO MASTER WITH MOJO FASTER THAN BLAZES, sell this painting for?
“I only ask this question of myself so that you, my dear perusers and sky-trundlers, understand how difficult the vassal makes life for me, as a CEO and business owner. Alas! Alas! The vassal, that stinking human wretch, has once again GIVEN my painting away! A wedding gift, for some friends or something similarly weak and saccharine, I stopped listening as soon he replied to my question of, Where is it, with, Lennon Betelgeuse, Great Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO and golden idol greater than all gods, I gave it to…”
THE ORIGINAL MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN SPLIT INTO EIGHTY PIECES BUT PRINTS OF DIFFERENT SIZES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE SHOP.
Now tell us what and why, vassal?
“This is Chris Boughey, he owns and runs North West Chinese Kick-Boxing. My mate started training at one of his gyms a few years back and I trained there for a while as well. If you want incredibly reasonably-priced martial arts training in Greater Manchester then Chris is your guy. He’s a 4th Degree Black Sash in Lau Gar Kung Fu, 7th Degree Black Belt in Kickboxing, and the England Team Coach for The World Kickboxing Council. The painting’s called EIGHTY! because when he was counting sit-ups or press-ups, me and my mate would get caught in a repeating loop. We’d do ten, and we were at EIGHTY!, We did another ten, and we were still at EIGHTY! Every time. Chris knows how to get more out of a person than they think they can manage.”
As I previously said, he sounds like a mighty warrior, but what was that about this “reasonably priced training”?
“It was a fiver per session and Chris always said if anyone couldn’t afford it, then come down to the gym, just let him know quietly, and they could still train. Prices might have gone up now though, inflation.”
And you say this man runs numerous training locations across Manchester? You say he is a business owner! Despite not squeezing every last penny out of his customers?
“Students, not customers, and I think they respect him for not fleecing them.”
Humans might, but not Betels, and certainly not CEOs or politicians of any race. I’m starting to think twice about recruiting him for my army.
“He wouldn’t fight for you anyway, dickhead. He trains people how to defend themselves, it’s not about facilitating bellicose turds.”
