THE ERUDITE AND PHILANTHROPIC BETELGEUSE CORPORATION Proudly PRESENTS to you…
MASTER SPLINTER!
THE ERUDITE AND PHILANTHROPIC BETELGEUSE CORPORATION Proudly PRESENTS to you… MASTER SPLINTER!
And now a word from our CEO, Lennon BeTELGEUSE:
“This is, thankfully, the last Rat and I wish I could jubilantly sing, Get your rat out, but it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen and not just in the way you’re thinking. I told the wretched vassal: Famous, wealthy and powerful CEO though I might be, vassal, if the Ninja Turtles’ solicitors come knocking at the vast and mighty doors of Betelgeuse Corporation having found out that their Master’s image has been besmirched in cutesy mimicry then it won’t be me who’ll get thrown to the dogs, no, I’m a CEO! It didn’t listen, just kept painting in its deluded daze. I’ll have to try and wring every penny out of this before any courts summons. Crimes against intellectual property, they’ll say if this blows up, Heinous crimes against poor Master Splinter! I’ll need to be far, far away from here when the turtle-heads come knocking. And yes, it’s another watercolour on A5 watercolour paper, and yes, I’m getting sick of saying that now.”
WHICH VERSION OF MASTER SPINTER WOULD I, LENNON BETELGEUSE, CEO, PREFER TO FIGHT, this one or ‘87-96 Master splinter?
“Thankme for asking. I would rather fight the one that was around in ‘87-96. A Betel knew where they stood with ‘87-96 Master Splinter. If you behaved vexatiously towards him or his students he’d smash you over the head with his walking stick. This one looks nice on the surface, but I suspect it wouldn’t even need provoking to happily pin an unsuspecting Betel to a wooden board as though it were nothing but a specimen, and all the while doing it with that cold, blank stare.”
How much WOUld I, Lennon Betelgeuse, SCUTTLING SIX-LEGGED RIJKSMUSEUM, (THAT’S RIGHT, SIX, AND YIKES, YOU SEE ‘EM), sell this painting for?
“Alas! Alas! The vassal has placed this one deep in a pit lined with sharp and jagged splinters on all sides, I’d happily push him and all of humanity in, and walk across the shattered, impaled mess to retrieve the painting if it didn’t mean getting blood on it and my expensive three-piece. Curse the vassal for crushing the subjugated ants! This one will take all of my vast quantum-computer style CEO brainpower to recover, but fear not, I made it here across the empty leagues of space from Betelgeuse, thus I can retrieve this painting from the Pit of Doom.”
THE ORIGINAL IS EMBARGOED in a SPIKE PIT BUT PRINTS OF DIFFERENT SIZEs ARE AVAILABLE IN THE SHOP.
Now tell us, what and why, vassal?
“I was doing a rat triptych and I had to do another rat painting”
How uninspiring, don’t you know any other rats?
“Not personally, but there are some pretty brutal rats in the Deptford Mice books which are really good and surprisingly gory for children’s books. Morgan was a solid character, lieutenant to the evil, subterranean deity, Jupiter, and Madam Akkikuyu was sound, but fell prey to Nicodemus, who knew how to work rats for his own ends.”
Well if you love them so much why didn’t you go and paint them then?
“I forgot about them.”
They can’t be that great then, can they, you idiot? Could they beat Shredder in a fight?
“Probably not, Morgan and Akkikuyu were actually rat-sized, whereas Splinter is human-sized, which is an advantage.”
If someone came to me, Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO, and asked, Lennon Betelgeuse, CEO, could you paint a picture of the Ninja Turtles to go with this one of Master Splinter, would I do it?
“Do you mean, would I do it?”
That’s what I said, vassal! Now answer the question!
“Maybe Donatello.”
MASTER SPLINTER...
A BETELGEUSE CORPORATION PRODUCTION.
MASTER SPLINTER... A BETELGEUSE CORPORATION PRODUCTION.
WANT MORE YOU SPLINTERY BINT?
CLICK “COMPOSITE OX”.